Boredom in the Marital Bed

Guest Post by Mary Jo Rapini

No matter how hot you are for each other when you get married and no matter how long you are married before it begins, you may have to deal with boring sex at some point. Boring sex happens in many marriages as a fleeting feeling. In other marriages, boring sex can become the only type of sex. It is easy to understand how this can come about. You share your life, your bed, and your being with another person that you know and love. The most intimate thing a couple shares is their love making. If couples get too busy to communicate and experiment with their expressions of love then sex begins to feel routine and unconnected.

Couples experience problems other than boredom because they aren’t communicating how they really feel.

Many things can cause boredom in the bedroom—waning hormones, body image, marital conflict, not knowing one’s body, or having a lover that doesn’t know how to make love. About one third of all the couples I’ve seen as patients have “boredom” as the underlying problem in their marriage. Boredom doesn’t present itself as boredom though. Few couples will come in and say, “We are bored with each other.” It disguises itself in other problems such as, “She doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore,” or, “He/she cheated on me.”  Couples rarely sit down and say, “My sex life is boring me, how do you feel?” Since they aren’t comfortable discussing their feelings with their partner, they open themselves to finding another lover or completely withdraw from having sex.  

If you are in a boring bedroom, there are things you can do to make it more exciting again.

You can become closer to your partner by discussing it and working together to make your sex life breathe again. Trying to fix it by reaching out to another person won’t make your sex life with your husband or wife better. In the long run, you will be dealing with boredom again in a new bed.

1.    Talk about the problem. To talk about this problem identify it from both partners perspective.
2.    Be gentle. Telling your partner they don’t turn you on usually means you have not been transparent about what does turn you on.
3.    Go to a sex store or shop online. Buying powders or lotions are a wonderful way to start. It helps make sex fun, and sex that is fun is not boring.
4.    Try different rooms to make love in, and forget the idea that you need to make love in a bed. Women are more sensitive to location changes than men. If your lady tells you she is bored with sex, try changing up where you make love.
5.    Visiting an Urologist who specializes in sexuality for both men and women is a wonderful idea. This visit is well worth your money because many times the lack of excitement has a medical reason.
6.    Make time for sex in your marriage even if that means talking, touching and lying close to one another. Sex is not intercourse although intercourse is part of sex. Sex is touching, talking, kissing, and creating intimacy with each other’s fantasies. Take your time and schedule it in.
7.    I would never have sex with someone I couldn’t laugh with. If you cannot play with your partner during sex, you are going to be bored with them at some point in your marriage.

Couples become afraid the first time they begin to feel bored with sex. They question the longevity of their marriage if they are bored in the bedroom. Boredom is something you can work through in a marriage (as are most things) and is never a reason for divorce. Make sure you know who and what you are bored with. Many times boredom of a partner is boredom of self. I would question one’s emotional maturity as well as their character if they left a marriage because they were bored with themselves.

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC is a psychotherapist specializing in intimacy, sex and relationships. She lives in Houston, Texas.  Rapini is the author of two books: Is God Pink? Dying to Heal and co-author of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex or Whatever.

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Posted on July 2, 2011, in Personal Growth, Relationships, Women. Bookmark the permalink. 14 Comments.

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