Another Simple Plan (Short Story)

 Guest Post by Bill Poje

Aidone held the door open for Senator Smarmy to enter the conference Room.  Inside the room the Senator saw seated Secretary Clittoff, Attorney General Holster as well as ATF chief Mellonhead.  Aidone did not follow the Senator into the room; this meeting was “off the record.”

“Smilfme here” the Senator said as she sat herself.  Her Smilfme mind hypothesized how this meeting was akin to a “ménage a quad.”  All four came together to share an experience

Secretary Clittoff spoke.  “Thank you all for being here today.  As we all know, we have been given a mandate by our donors to get guns off the street.  Specifically, assault rifles need to be banned.  We need to put a plan in place to make sure that our benefactors wishes are adhered to.  This is especially true since we now hold power.”

The Secretary continued.  “To this end our esteemed Attorney General Holster here and myself, in conjunction with the White House, have come up with a plan that we think will meet the needs of the public.  The plan is to use the drug war violence in Mexico to our benefit.  What we will do is claim that the problem of violence in Mexico is getting worse due to the flow weapons from the United States to Mexico.  The solution to the problem will be the passage of more restrictive gun laws in the USA banning all assault weapons.”

Senator Smarmy spoke.  “That sounds like a plan but right now it’ll never pass the NRA lobby in DC.  There needs to be some form of outrage in the USA that we can use the media to promote to overcome the expected opposition.”

The Secretary’s plot thickened.  “To foment the outrage we will construct a scenario that will generate the spark of outrage.  We need to first establish that weapons from the US are flowing into Mexico.  Once the discovery of the weapons is made public then, Senator, we need you to sponsor the Senate version of the assault weapon ban bill.”

“I have no problem sponsoring such a bill” Senator Smarmy replied.  “You provide the wording as well as the outrage for the legislation and it’ll be a done deal.  Assuming of course, I get something in return.”

“That’s why we are here” Secretary Clittoff answered.  “What do you want for your cooperation?”

Senator Smarmy answered “Well, I assume that our new AG and ATF head have received their positions for their cooperation.  What is the Administration proposing for my support?”

Secretary Clittoff offered “The view of the Administration is that the items being built into Health Care Reform and Stimulus for your benefit should suffice.  The view in Washington is that nothing more is needed for your support.”           

Senator Smarmy gave Secretary Clittoff a Smarmy look.  Secretary Clittoff gave a surprised “What?” in reply.

“I’m a Senator!” Smilfme Smarmy retorted.  “Not a cheap Representative!  You know that!  The big dog knows that!  They should know by now that I don’t put out for free.  I always take it in trade!  Besides, I’m doing your department a favor entertaining the Italian Prime Minister Sylphme Oh! Bustanutti!  That event costs a lot of cash, especially with his tastes!”

Clittoff leaned back in her chair.  “Soooo…whaddaya want?” The Secretary asked.  “What can I tell them?”

Senator Smarmy looked at the AG and the ATF chief and then to the Secretary.  “I don’t think this is the proper forum for that discussion.  Obviously campaign funds always help.  Tell you what.  Why don’t you send your aide Oooolalavavavhuma La PumaTown by my office and I’ll see what I can come up with.  In the meantime, let’s hear the plan.”

ATF chief Mellonhead spoke.  “The plan is quite simple.  The idea is to let the Mexican drug cartels buy weapons from gun dealers in the US.  Then, when the weapons are found at the sites of gang battles in Mexico, we will claim that the flow of weapons from the US into Mexico must stop.  You sponsor the bill in the Senate.”

Senator Smarmy thought a minute before speaking.  “And that’s it? She asked.  “It’s that simple?”

Attorney General Holster replied.  “That’s it.  It’s really that simple.”

Senator Smarmy looked at each participant in the room.  “Tell me something” she asked “How many weapons do you think you will “let” cartels buy?  And what kind of weapons are you talking about?”

“Well, high powered assault weapons are what we need them to buy” Holster answered.  “The bill will be to ban sales of them in the US.  I mean, handguns won’t cut it.  As for how many, well, I guess it depends on what the cartels can afford.”

The senator looked at him with a dumbfounded look.  “So, that’s how the operation will work?” she asked.

“Oh, no no no” Mellonhead interjected.  “The public scheme is that ATF is using the sales to trace the weapons back to the drug cartels.  When background checks are asked for I’ll direct my staff to ignore the checks.  We actually already know who the gun mules are and who they will deliver to so it’s like no risk that the guns will be used in the US.  They’ll be going south of the border.”

“I’ll be making a speech later today” Secretary Clittoff offered.  “The subject will be about the volume of weapons flowing illegally from the US to Mexico.  This’ll start laying the groundwork for the operation.”

“And when the body count starts going up?” Senator Smarmy asked.  “How do the dead bodies get explained?”

“Hey” Mellonhead answered.  “The more dead the merrier.  It’s just a bunch of drug running Mexicans who will get shot.  I mean, ya gotta break some eggs to make an omelet.  By the time anyone figures out what really happened it’ll be too late.  The new laws will be in place and no one will care.  All the media will report is that a bunch of drug lords and maybe some innocent bystanders…maybe a little girl…that ALWAYS works…were found dead by smuggled weapons from the US.”

Senator Smarmy whistled.  “Wow” she said.  “It’ll be like a modern version of Operation Wetback.  Only this time instead of repatriating illegal immigrants they’ll just be killing each other before they get to the US.”

Senator Smilfme Smarmy thought a couple minutes before abruptly standing up.  “I was never here, and this conversation never took place.  I know nothing.”  She turned and walked to the door before turning her head towards Secretary Clittoff.  “Send Oooolalavavavhuma by my office and we will make something happen.”  With that Senator Smarmy left.

Bill Poje is the author of the award winning fiction novel
.  Poje is currently completing 3 more works of fiction for simultaneous publication: Novels Blindless (sequel), NLM, and the short story collection Senator Smarmy.  More information is at


Posted on July 15, 2011, in Short Stories. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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